Today I'd like to share with you an article I submitted for the Grantland Challenge. I figured I was already blogging anyway, so I might as well give it a shot. As I was writing the article that is pasted below, I quickly realized that keeping yourself tied to a very specific topic and 750 word count is not as easy as I thought it would be. I got through an intro and four of my six players, and I was already well north of 1000 words. So the finished product here is a highly edited version of something that I would typically write, but maybe that's a good thing. Let me know what you think!
I've never been to Coldstone Creamery. [My fiancée glares at me in disbelief.]
The only knowledge I have of it comes from Aziz Ansari's standup.
Lately while updating my fantasy football rankings, I’m reminded of the
sizes of ice cream he says they serve: "Like
It", "Love It"…….and "Gotta Have It!!!!!"
Today I'm focusing on the Gotta Have Its. If you’re doing an
auction or have a top pick in your draft, you want to know which players you
should target and why you must own them. You need one of these players
like you need air, water, and yes, food.
Think of these players as your five major food groups, and I'll even
throw in something extra at the end.
1. Arian Foster (Fats, Oils, Sweets):
Unless he tweets a picture of his hamstring completely
obliterated, Foster's going to stay at the top of the food chain. Not
only can you count on 300+ carries and 1000+ yards on the ground, but this guy
has over 600 yards receiving in each
of his last two seasons. Have you ever
had a bad piece of chocolate or a cheeseburger that wasn't delicious? Of
course you haven't! Foster will be that good, and you won't feel guilty
for having him on your squad like you might after that burger.
2. Ray Rice (Meat, Eggs, Nuts, Beans):
Rice may not be the most glamorous guy, but he has everything
you need to fuel your fantasy team. If he were a steak, he'd be an irresistible
Petit Filet on draft day. I think he'll end up with 20 total TDs, and whereas Foster has a solid backup, Baltimore should
have an unproven rookie as the second stringer. There's no one to vulture
touchdowns from Ray, and he’ll have no problem muscling his way in himself.
3. LeSean McCoy (Fruits and Vegetables):
As a Redskins fan, I inherently don't want anything to do with McCoy. But you know what? I
know that LeSean, much like a vegetable, is going to be good for me. The guy had 20 TDs last year.
Twenty! If he was a wide
receiver, I'd say there's no way he'll repeat that. But for a running
back, it's very possible. And when I look past these top three backs, I
see a lot of questions marks: holdouts, injuries, timeshares, and poor 2011
performances. Get one of the big three
if you can.
4. Aaron Rodgers (Milk, Yogurt, Cheese):
When it comes to Aaron Rodgers, there is no question he will do
your body good. (That came out wrong. I tried to make a milk
commercial reference, and it didn't work. Can we just go with it?
OK cool.) If you miss out on one of the top 3 running backs, you
need to start thinking about one of the top 3 quarterbacks. The
difference between the top 3 QBs and the rest of the field is huge, just as it
is with the RBs. Also realize that Rodgers
is still younger than rookie Brandon Weeden, and he’s been a top QB for, well,
every year he's been a starter. It’s a no brainer.
5. Tom Brady (Breads, Cereals, Grains):
This is the most boring food group, but also one of the most
important. We might be splitting hairs
between Rodgers, Brady, and Brees, but the point is that you need one of these
guys to anchor your team. Brady’s receiving corps is actually improved
with the subtraction of Ocho Cinco/addition of Brandon Lloyd, and there's still
Welker, Gronk, and Hernandez to throw to. I think he’s a boring first
round pick, but he could also throw 50 TDs and win you a fantasy football
championship.
Jared Cook (potential anabolic steroid for your fantasy team):
At 6’5”/250 lbs, Cook and his 4.4-40 have been hyped up for some
time now. He’s never had 50 receptions
in a season (or more than 3 TDs), but that’s why they call them
“sleepers”! With such a premium on guys
like Graham and Gronk, you could strike gold ten rounds later in your draft
with a guy like Cook. When Jake Locker
took over the team at the end of 2011, Jared started to wake up. In just three games, the two connected 21
times for 245 yards and a score. Locker has now been named the starter, and with Britt potentially out to start the
season, these two could hook up early and often like cast members from The Real
World.
Yummy.
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